Conviction

Sometimes it is difficult for me (Lane) to know if I am living for God's glory or my own glory; living for God's praise or the praise of man. Even moving to Rwanda, I think to some extent -- maybe to a great extent -- was because I think IJM is a cool organization and I would be cool working for it. Shameful. And I recognize that over the last 7-8 months, I have often operated and worked relying on the prayers of others while neglecting my own; relying on God responding to the prayers of family and friends while not relying on Him myself. Again, shameful.

Today was an amazingly bittersweet day. Today, IJM Rwanda secured its first conviction of an abuser of children. Actually, the guy plead guilty, largely as a result of my staff assisting in arresting the man, having him detained pending trial, and securing the DNA test that proved his guilt. Glorious. Praise God that Amelie can rest tonight and onward knowing that her abuser has been held accountable under the law for his actions. She matters.

Today, I also got some candid and passionate feedback from a staff member on real morale, vision, and motivation problems among the IJM Rwanda staff, largely as a direct result of my failure of leadership. It was difficult to hear but invaluable, and I am thankful for it. It is a wakeup call. It is conviction. I cannot do this job on my own. I cannot lead this team without wisdom from God. I cannot build a successful and spiritually growing team without nurturing my relationship with Jesus. "Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain." Proverbs 127:1. I see this now. I recognize how I have gone on my own power, relying on my intelligence, authenticity, and motivations. This is not enough. It is a dead end. It is a lie. This work is too hard. The enemy is real and wants to destroy and defeat. I cannot go forward on my own feeble power and abilities. Jesus, I need you. More than ever before. Is this because I am at a real risk of failing and looking bad before my bosses, peers, friends, and family? Maybe. Probably so. But, right now it is driving me to my Savior, and that's a good thing.

Jesus, help me. I repent of neglecting my relationship with you. You are my source. You are my sustainer. Help me rely on you daily, moment by moment. I need you. Strip me of all vestiges of people-pleasing and arrogance. Lay me bare and work in me to make me more like you. Above all else, this is what I want -- to be more like you. To trust and lean on you in the midst of the storm. To know the peace and rest of intimacy with you. Show me the way, Lord. I can't see it right now but I trust that you want this for me. Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.